Copyright © 1996-1999 by Ethan A. Winning
On the very same day that Jeff Hester and Paul Scowen captured the three images of the Eagle Nebula star-forming region seven trillion miles in length, I get a call from "The Personnel News." "If you want your article published, we need it by next Tuesday, and this time see if you can make it relevant for the 'under 40' group."
After seeing pictures of the birth of stars which took place 7,000 light years from earth and more than 10 billion miles from Pluto, I'm not even certain of my own relevance let alone what would be relevant in Human Resources to an age group that some of my colleagues figure is a mere 300 light years from mine. Still, I'm willing to give it a shot.
What would someone 30 years old and in HR be interested in? What was I interested in when I was 30? Raising a family on $1,000 a month. No, that's not relevant. The thousand a month allowed me to live comfortably and was considered a fair salary. That I had been married six years and had two kids is totally irrelevant to today's 30-year old.
Okay, how about the fact that I was secure in the knowledge that I would quit my company before I would be fired or laid off? Nope. That's not relevant. Even the 30-year old has to worry about job security. The company may merge, be forcibly overtaken or taken over (depending on your point of view as the takee or the taken), may go under, or just may have had an anti-Lourdes-like vision of "downsizing as a way to improve the bottom line."
Oooo, I know: getting an affirmative action plan finished after having collected all the BLS statistics and the company's own business plan. No. That won't do. Every generation is waiting to see what Newt and the Gang have in store for AAPs and EEOC in general next year. Maybe we could divert the attention of senior management, and tell them that affirmative action is alive and well... No, some of them read the papers or watch Lehrer without MacNeil.
I remember! When I was 30ish, I had to "formulate" the training department budget so that we could train lower-level employees in the art of management, and un-train the Machiavellians who "graduated" to become middle-managers. That won't do either. All the training departments have been disbanded in favor of three-hour seminars at local loci.
"Hey," I asked myself, "what about interviewing and background checks?" No, in my day we used some quasi-psychological testing, all of which has either been outlawed or has cost companies millions to defend. And background checks? Hah! You can't do a decent background check today even if you weren't afraid of a law suit for defamation of character. "I'm sorry, but we don't give out that information." Whatever happened to the inter-personnel manager relationship: "I'm sorry, but we can't give you that information on the phone. I can tell you over lunch, however. By the way, if you hire my kid and I hire your's, we'll call it even."
Harassment? No, that was legal. Benefits? No, we had some. Compensation? No, we could get surveys and information back then. Leadership? Decision-making matrices? The Hawthorne Studies? (Whoops, that was even before my time.) Organization development? Organization charts? Communications? All passe.
Recency. Think recent! Cultural diversity. Who cares! That was two-years ago. AIDS in the workplace? No, we're coming to grips with that...in the workplace. Office politics? So long as it doesn't affect me, no. Discrimination? Ho, hum. Independent contractor relationships? Everyone knows something about that now. Wrongful termination? If not dead, at least moribund. Americans with Disabilities Act? With 42 million workers defined as disabled, nah, we might as well all be considered disabled. Information and the Superhooey! No, it's the same information, just on a monitor instead of on a piece of paper.
Got it! What was I worried about back then that everyone is still worried about? Establishing a reason for HR to exist! What functions does HR perform that positively affect the company's profitability? Affirmation action.... No, that's not it. Compensation.... nope. Benefits....noooo. Downsizing... better not mention that. Restructuring... no, they're liable to figure out that that's downsizing. Flattening the organization... no, I'm liable to get flattened. HR on computer... might as well be HR on a sesame seed bun. Besides, if we have HR on a computer, we might have HR by computer.
Got to call a 36 year-old HR and MIS guru who I know. (Big companies get the most out of one position.).
"Hello, Charles. Got a couple of question for you. But first, did you see the NASA photos of the Eagle Nebula?"
"Fake."
"What do you mean, 'fake'?"'
"S'all fake. Probably made up in some lab. Remember, NASA's coming up for another budget hearing. Every time NASA's budget comes into question, they produce a 'new' feat. I think they store them up. Kinda like the walk on the moon which was actually shot at Universal Studios."
"Charles, you worry me, but that will have to wait. You're in charge of HR and MIS for Megacorp. What's relevant to your age group that I can address in an article?"
"Why do you want to bring that up? Open new wounds. Make people think. You're a real pot-stirrer. Why can't you just leave us alone? We're perfectly happy in our ignorance. Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should start thinking about retirement now. Go away! I've got work to do."
"That's it! What are you working on?"
"The usual. You know, affirmative action, ADA, compensation, benefits, making sure we only fire those who won't sue us, stuff like that."
"That can't be. That's what we used to do back in the 70s."
"Yeah, well that's what's important now...that, and making sure we're the last ones to be laid off."
"Then why won't you hire some of the more experienced people? You can't tell me that there's no room at the top or even in the middle."
"Oh, yes I can. Bye."
"Don't you want to add anything?"
"Yeah, say 'hi' to Mom."