Copyright © 1994 By Ethan A. Winning
I have often maintained that, if one is to succeed in any endeavor in the 1990's, one must be
computer literate. Oh, I don't mean that one has to know how the darn things work; one only has
to know how to work on the darn things. Hardware isn't half as important as software.
It is software that will drive the world. By recent count, there are now over 50 personnel
applications just for the PC. Soon, you will be able to just plug in numbers, and have your
computer spit out an EEO-1 report! What used to take days to accomplish on a Bowmar Brain,
takes only seconds. Why, one can even get the square root of 1,260,111 in a millisecond; it
doesn't matter that you don't need to know what that square root is. It's just nice to know that it
can be done.
So, it's time once again to provide the novice computer user with the why's and wherefore's of
making use of this invaluable tool. You've undoubtedly read about DOS and Windows and
keyboards; it is my intent that you should know what they are and how they can benefit you.
Further, computer lingo is so full of acronyms, that it is impossible to learn anything during a
conversation without the gist of that jargon.
WYSIWYG: Pronounced "Qwerty," it is the Bulgarian acronym for the translation from keypad to screen.
CPU: Another acronym, it stands for "Cardio-Pulmonary Unit." The CPU is the heart of the computer, hence the name. If the CPU fails, your computer dies, and not with a whimper, either.
DOS: Stands for "Darn and Oh Shucks." That's because it is DOS which tells the CPU what to do and always leaves you with the message, "Syntax Error."
Syntax Error: No one knows what this means. If such a message shows up on your screen, disregard it. If it refuses to be ignored, stop what you are doing, turn off the computer real fast, and switch it back on. Then, although you may have lost a few hours' work, at least you should see, "C>."
C>: This is very reassuring. It means that you still have one drive left, which is even more reassuring if you only had one drive to start with.
Abort, Reboot, Ignore: Whenever you see this message on your screen, it means that the computer didn't understand what you were telling it to do. It will also not understand when you tell it to abort, reboot, or ignore. There is a built-in round-robin command that tells the computer to keep showing this message whatever you do. It may be a way to get you to buy another computer and turn your current one into an aquarium.
Windows: Those of you about to get into working with computers should note that "Windows"
takes the place of DOS. It was especially designed for games, and to rid the user of a use for the
arrow keys, but it can also be useful for those who can't learn DOS. Windows requires a mouse,
which is a device that allows you to paint-by-numbers if you have a color screen. Many people
who have learned how to set up macros do not need a mouse or windows.
Windows 95: Windows 95 was supposed to take the place of Windows 3.11 which was supposed to take the place of Windows which was supposed to take the place of Apples and any other fruit you may be storing in your computer. Actually, Windows 95 was called "Chicago," even though it was developed in Memphis which is what Windows 97 is supposed to be called even though it was developed in Redmond, Washington. Don't let any of this worry you until Windows 2000 comes out which I believe will be called "Sue Falls."
Macros: These are short cuts to getting your computer to roll over and jump through hoops. With a two-stroke macro, your computer can do all the things that it normally takes three strokes to do.
Stroke: What you have when you forget what all your macros are for.
^: You may notice, after several months of playing with your new computer, that it doesn't have a "" Your "capital 6" is ^. The First Programmer felt that after you had purchased a computer you wouldn't need something as common as . Of course, you also do not need the ^.
~: Another key without a use - even in Spanish. This exists so that the ^ won't be alone without a function.
< >: These keys, respectively, are "more than" and "less than" or vice-versa. Few users ever need to know which is which. Worse, only mathematicians actually do know.
Spreadsheet: The only time you may need < and > is when you are using one of the number-crunchers, also known as a spread sheet. The easiest way to set up a spreadsheet is to borrow someone else's, with the formulae already in the thing. Then, change the categories, and copy it over and over before you put in any numbers. This way you will have a fresh spreadsheet every fiscal year.
Num Lock: If the letters on your keyboard don't work, it's probably because your nums are locked. Unlock your nums by pressing that key just once. It has no other function for people with two hands.
Alt: Stands for "Alternative." If nothing you do works, then it's time to use the "Alt" key as an alternative to what you're doing. If you'd like to start fresh, press Alt + Ctrl + Del at the same time. Watch what happens. Now, you're ready to begin anew.
Home: You should find a key marked "Home." Before you leave work to go home, press this key, then turn off the computer.
{ }: These are called "French brackets." They, too, have no use, but if you take a pencil and put a mark just above the part that sticks out, you can make two cute faces. This cannot be done with either the ] or the ) -- unless you're very creative.
Shift: There are two keys marked "Shift." One is smaller than the other, but both have arrows pointed at the ceiling. These keys are provided only to those who can shift for themselves. The arrows always point to "North."
Esc: This is, without doubt, the most important key on the computer. It means "ESCAPE," and it
allows you (usually) to undo all the stuff you've done wrong since you got to your desk this
morning. If the meeting with the Compensation Committee didn't go well, leave the room, rush
to the computer, and hit the "ESCAPE" key. Then run back to the committee room and see if
they're still there. If they are, then you've done something wrong. Run back to the computer and
hit that key again. Then run back to the committee room. If the committee is still there, tell them
you're doing aerobics, and run back to your desk. This time, leave the building and hope that
tomorrow will be a better day.
And now you know the true meaning of computer literacy and its vital role in a world gone mad
with hardware and software. If, after having read this piece, you still cannot remember all the
definitions and uses of keys, take heart: these terms and functions were obsolete before you
finished reading. I was only trying to be "user friendly."
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