Copyright © 1994 by Ethan A. Winning, All Rights Reserved
History and Description
The certain date and place of origin of the Personnel Manager is not definitely known. There is a painting, American Gothic, which has been attributed by some to be the first depiction of a manager and offers us a minor glimpse of the PM's ancestry.
It is said that early robber barons have owned Personnel Managers, but the only thing certain about these people was that their breeding was exceedingly mixed. This mixture comes from breeding the red, white, black and tan, and even the cropped-eared varieties of the forties and fifties. In the nineties, it is probably the most varied of all recognized breeds.
Of some historical note is the fact that the most standard of the breed was a mix in the last two decades of the IR, HR, and Comp Analyst, with some Benefits Supers thrown in for good measure.
Temperament
Unlike many, the breed has not settled down much more since the early days. If anything, they are more active, at times even hyper, always willing to fight or play. They can be a staunch ally or a beastly enemy, depending upon their territorial nature. But, basically the PM is a charmer, not only efficient in the yard, but a delight around the plant and grounds. There is not a truly mean bone in his body. Affectionate, and rarely sick or sorry, he gives you his heart with freedom and spontaneity. From the breeder's manual, He has his own ways and will not make friends with everybody. He has to know who you are and why you have come. Although he a fine alarmist, he will never attack man, woman, or child. He likes to be with people and is understanding of all. He was, after all, one of the first to receive the highest award for obedience.
The Hunt
The hunt field is another phase of their abilities, whether it be applicants, replacements for retirees, or for employees who have been messing with the company's computer systems. Breeding for his ability to remain quiet is an absolute necessity. This is not easy and takes persistence and courage since in most cases barking will not do the job, and applicants (in particular) must be nipped and made uncomfortable.
Characteristics
The Personnel Manager is, on average, one of the smaller managers of the breeds in the working group. They are little demons for their size and yet have most lovable dispositions, not quarrelsome and they have proven their very hardy constitution many times over.
These little managers are smart -- they seem to know what you are thinking -- they anticipate your moves and are often one step ahead of you. This means that they are keen, alert and quick to act.
The eyes of the Personnel Manager should be dark, bright and, of course, keen. This portrays a deep expression of alertness, kindness, and affection.
The Personnel Manager is not so much noble and handsome in appearance as he is lovable looking. Most important, he does not shed and he does not smell. For winter wear he may acquire a fine ruff that has a white shading near the body. (If your's does not have this characteristic, a trip to Lerner's or Brooks Brothers around Christmas may be in order.)
As previously mentioned, there are black and tan, white, red, and a number of other colors of Personnel Managers. There may even be the occasional curly-haired, mischievous, beige-colored PM. There are prick ears and drop ears. There is often a difference in girth and size. In these respects the breed has not reached complete standardization, but the bight, admiring, faithful eye is always there as well as the expectation of life and fun. He can be foxy-faced with a sharp nose, or square about the head depending upon how his whiskers are treated. His strong eyebrows are particularly attractive, making him look as wise as other adult humans.
Standards of the Breed
Head: Skull wide, slightly rounded with good width between the ears. Ear: Prick or drop. If pricked, they should be small, pointed, erect and set well apart. Something between the ears is a must, especially in analyzing federally mandated health care reform. Faults ears which can be stepped on. Eyes: Very bright, dark and keen. Full of expression. Faults: eyes which overly protrude. Light colored eyes are okay, but only in the upper mid-west. Jaw: Clean, strong, tight-lipped, with strong, large, close-fitting teeth. Faults an undershot mouth; constant drooling; tongue lolls during interviews. Neck: Short and strong, well set on clean shoulders. Faults can be covered with a good fitting shirt or a blouse and scarf. Disposition: Not quarrelsome; obedient; lovable; should at least look interested; must be able to lay off people with a doleful expression; never, never, smiling during a termination. Disqualifications: Historically, there has never been a Personnel Manager who has been disqualified because of lack of qualifications: disqualified, but then again, the judges have been kind to the breed. Breed Requirements Exercise: You should take your Personnel Manager for at least one long walk a day. PMs do not mind inclement weather, so the walk is a must regardless of where he is housed. Depending upon other characteristics, jogging is good for the PM as well. The PM is basically one for the city: open spaces are not that inviting to him. A small office with at least one window is preferable. While carpeting is especially nice during the winter, linoleum is fine in case of accidents. Verbal Tug-of-Wars are not recommended especially with younger Personnel Managers since it can ruin their mouths thus leading to speech impediments. Feeding: Though a hardy breed by nature, all PMs should have a wholesome, balanced diet in order to maintain proper conditioning. This diet should include the four basic food groups. Being naturally carnivorous, this can be supplied by feeding him one employee a day. (Fresh is always better than frozen or canned.) Every Personnel Manager welcomes a change in food once in a while. Periodically it is best to switch from lower-level employees to the fattier senior management. And, by all means, do not forget to change his water twice a day. Housing: Since PMs come in all sizes within the breed standard a three bedroom, 2 bath home in the burbs is ideal. But the breed has been known to do very well in condos, and even apartments when they are just getting started. At a minimum again quoting from the manual the breed should be provided with his own bed in a quiet, draft-free corner where he can be undisturbed but still be in contact with the family. His bed should be equipped with a cedar-treated mattress that will retard parasites. (One should be placed in his office as well.) Grooming: Since PMs should never be clipped, and can rarely afford stylists, it is best that he should be groomed at home. A wire brush is a must, but basic and regular attention to plucking out dead hair is essential to his well-being. Bathing: Under normal circumstances a Personnel Manager never needs a bath. He sheds dirt and has no odor of his own, but at those times when he has an exchange with a skunk or gets into something particularly vile, a bath might be in order. It boils down to this: Take care of your Personnel Manager and he (or she) will take care of you. It is probably the most loyal breed left in management today.