Authors unknown, but will be glad to give credit where credit is due.
Equal Opportunity Employment
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars.
1: A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year, instead of before it.
2: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3: Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4: You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5: Sun Motor systems would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, and five times as fast -- but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6: The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7: People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8: We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gasoline.
9: The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an auto maker, instead of giving them.
10: New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
Notable Quotables
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. -- George Lindsey
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. -- Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -- Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -- John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. -- Ellen DeGeneres
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." -- Jake Johansen
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. -- Lynda Montgomery