By Ethan A. Winning Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved
For those of us who have been around, and for newcomers to the profession, it has become apparent that we need a new dictionary of HR (i.e., Personnel, IR, etc.) terminology. Without one, people in Human Resources will never quite be able to communicate with folks in Personnel.
Although my attempts to change Human Resources to the "Mortal Assets Department" last year were met with audible groans, I still feel a compulsion to enlighten those who unfortunately don't perceive a need for a new lexicon. Therefore, setting aside conventional wisdom (see below), it behooves me to define those terms with which we deal every day.
Social Security - A tax paid by both the employee and the company to provide for better social programs (such as child care) in your "golden years."Unemployment Insurance - Getting in good with the boss.
Workers' Compensation - Monies paid to employees smart enough to claim stress or injury just before they may have to file for Unemployment Insurance.Group Insurance - A team effort to get in good with the boss.Profit Sharing - A system of distributing corporate wealth from the top to somewhere near the top, and which is totally dependent upon creative accounting.Employee Staff Ownership Plan - Also known as "ESOPs," it is a relatively new form of slavery designed by middle-management to offset the lack of profit-sharing at that level.Christmas Bonus - A guarantee that you'll be employed through New Year's.Tuition Refund - A system whereby the company pays an individual to obtain a degree and enhance his or her skills. After obtaining the degree, the employee complains that parking and student fees should have been paid for, asks for a raise, and ultimately goes to another company. The system has built-in equity, since most companies end up with someone else's graduates.Guaranteed Annual Wage - Huh?Deferred Compensation Contracts - A system whereby compensation is held off until a job gets done. No one working for the State Department of Highways has ever received compensation under this plan.IRA's and Keyhole - As explained by an employee of a bank when these two types of retirement plans were first instituted, they are two plans named after Senator Ira Keyhole.Holidays - A neat system enacted by Congress in 1975 which allows employees to have seven four-day weekends a year.Vacation - A period of time to be taken in conjunction with or as an addition to the four-day weekends.Sick Leave - A leave of absence which can effectively extend a four-day weekend into five, when taken on a one-day basis, or a leave which can extend a vacation by one or two weeks a year. The latter is dependent upon saving, copying and changing the dates on previous "Doctor's Statements."Picnic - A gathering of employees in more profitable companies, usually during the summer. Most companies do not have such events, as evidenced by the number of times one hears the statement, "Hey, this is no picnic."Lunch Period - Usually dictated by state law, a minimum period of time for playing dominoes. The maximum period of time is dependent on position and viability of excuse: "I have a monthly PIRA meeting to go to" = three hours for lunch. "I have to see a client" = six hours and large tab. "I have to go to The Commercial Club to hear the Secretary of State speak" = a dominoes match is in progress.Relief Break - Any interruption in the workday of 15 minutes or less, allowing for at least one game of "hearts."
Last updated 12/30/96.