Copyright © 1995 by Ethan A. Winning, All Rights Reserved
Dateline, September 9, 1999: Washington, D.C.--In her address to the Mortal Assets Managers last night, President Whoopie Kennedy-Cohen made it clear that the country is in crisis. Citing Department of Labor statistics, she said that criminals now comprise the largest professional group with politicians coming in a close second. Senator Robert Byrd, 107 years old, was in attendance and commented from his home in Virginia, a state he now owns, disagreed: I disagree, he said.
Continuing, Kennedy-Cohen said that the professional mix was a minor part of the country's problem. I am disturbed... ( You can say that again, interrupted Byrd.) by the new Department of Unemployment Development statistics which show that 62 million are no longer working, while 66 million have stopped looking for work. As you know, the nation's largest employer is now McDonald's. Mickey Dee's became so for a number of reasons and, again according to DUD, the trend started when tele-commuting, e-mail, and shared-offices took over in 1994 and 1995. As one of the few companies which still requires its employees to man the take-out window, it is one of the very few establishments which actually needs employees at the work site. ( I'll have chicken wings to go, said Senator Byrd, and don't forget the secret sauce. )
Statistics are hard to come by, since we must now fax our inquiries to the 200 million potential workers in the country, almost all of whom are working out of their homes. Unfortunately, our fax transmissions are often delayed or lost because most of those at home are using the same lines for the Home ATMs (known as Hate Em's ) and the 35 home shopping channels. Just last week, DUD took more than four million requests for the Elvis collectors plate when they were looking for data on number of hours worked. Fortunately, DUD also made $119,800,000 plus shipping and handling.
But let's look at the bigger picture: As office/locker-sharing took over the country, as fax machines and e-mail became totally voice-activated, two problems emerged: first, many, many people have lost the use of their hands and arms, the atrophy being so bad as to require another category under universal health care coverage which I swear we will pass in the next few years. (As an aside, there is some good news: carpel-tunnel syndrome has all but disappeared since there is nothing left to do manually.)
Second, almost all office buildings are now vacant because there is no use for office space. Suburbia grew by ten-thousand percent in just the last year. In fact, Los Angeles, which you may recall was physically shifted to the Aleutians during the 1997 quake, has fewer than 500 people left, while Palm Springs now boasts a population of over twelve million, most of whom are home playing computer golf games.
So much for the good news. Now, let's address some other consequences. First of all Baby Boomers are now in their forties and fifties. In 1995, while in their so-called prime, they foolishly asked that there be a mandatory retirement age of 42, which both the Congress and the Social Security Administration readily agreed to. Through some accounting fluke, most of the monies resident within Social Security had been used to fix potholes in Virginia ( I had nothing to do with it! said Byrd. Sides, do you know how much it costs to fill the Cumberland Gap with asphalt? Well, I thought it was a pothole. )
At the same time, if you'll remember back to '94, we told people that they would have to start saving more money, but we limited IRA and Keogh contributions to $2.50 a year. What this has left us, my fellow and feminine Americans, is broke. One solution to this is to have all Americans who overdid it in the 80's melt down their gold jewelry and turn it into the Treasury Department for food vouchers. Since so few of you are working and have no meetings which require timeliness, this would apply to all the Rolex and Universal Geneve watches for which we are paying top dollar.
Still, there is a malaise pervading the country. Professionals no longer want to profess. According to a recent Mad Magazine/CNN poll, doctors, so inundated in the past few years with Medicare/Medicaid/Medical and other insurance paperwork, are leaving the profession in herds. And, since we passed the law that any case not resolved in three weeks was to be dismissed, lawyers have entered medical school obviously not having spoken to their medical colleagues during malpractice suits. Even personnel or HR managers have been looking at greener pastures since there is no one to supervise or, more precisely, no one present in the office buildings to supervise. HR managers took it on the chin because they stayed the course receiving as their only recognition the fact that they were the last to be laid off.
It seems that the only job with tenure and total security is the postal service which now receives over 100,000 applications a week to get a job of either not delivering the mail or misdirecting it. E-mail forced postal rates to $18.00 a letter, slightly higher (and less efficient) than the Pony Express. However, the USPS is the one area which is indeed making money since no one else wants to deliver junk mail.
As I look around this audience, I see many smiling faces. I am guessing that is because you are (1) still employed, (2) under thirty, (3) oblivious or, (4) still employed, under thirty, and not paying attention. Whether you will suffer the sins of your fathers depends on whether you learned anything over the past decade. What goes 'round, comes 'round. If you decide to go along with the continuing downsizing of what little is left, there won't be enough left for you either. And, there you will be, at the age of 25, back at Mickey Dee's. But you will have a job, even though it will be at minimum wage, and you can thank your lucky stars that you went for that Ph.D.
HR managers should know that as you sew so shall you reap. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If we don't hang together, we will all hang separately. And, a Byrd in the hand is a messy proposition. ( I heard that! said the Senator.)