Martha Stewart's Neighborhood

© 2001 Ethan A. Winning

Hello, there. I'm Martha Stewart, and I'm here to show you how to make an apple pie. The first thing you need is a kitchen the size of a football field, but we'll save that for our next program.

Okay, take four eggs. I like range eggs which I collect from my range every day with the help of my 73 illegal immigrants. If you don't have a range, go out to your chicken coop and get four eggs from your best hen. If you don't have a hen, I don't know what to tell you. Perhaps you could go to the farm next to yours...

Next, you'll need 6 large MacIntosh apples. Go out to your apple orchard, and find your MacIntosh tree. If you don't have a Mac tree, a PC will do... A Granny Smith is also good. If you don't have an orchard, perhaps you could go to the ranch next door to yours...

Now, slice your apples into cubes. I have this ceramic knife from my ceramic knife factory, but almost any good knife will do. Butter the pie plate, preferably with home made butter. I milked our cow yesterday and churned the butter this morning. It's always best to leave the milk in its original container until you're ready to churn.

You'll also need 2 cups of flour. If you don't live on a wheat farm, perhaps you could go to the one next door.... Place the flour and the butter and the eggs into a MixMaster (a Cuisinart will do, but I just bought the Sunbeam Mixmaster factory), and beat slowly. Add water slowly, preferably spring water. If you don't have a spring, perhaps your neighbor...

Roll out the dough, put it over the apples, and get one of your helpers to make the damn thing for you. If you don't have helpers, perhaps...