It's 2020, the Chinese Year of the Hindsight. As such, it has fallen on me to predict what will have happened in 2019. I can see it like it was yesterday and, on a clear day, I can see forever.
One introductory note: There is no truth to the rumor going around last year that John Ashcroft was being considered as the head of the ACLU.
Security: 2019 was the year that President Jenna Bush announced during happy hour (8-12 EST) that she had re-color-coded security levels. Having wrested that responsibility from Bob Birm, the outgoing Homeland Security and Garage Door czar, from now on hot pink will be the highest level of NID, Notification of Impending Doom. Next is mauve, then puce, and finally, the lowest level, tequila sunrise. Such NIDs will be given at least three months before the doom impends.
As President Jenna said, "We think we know where Bin Laden may be, and we expect to catch him right soon. Until that time, we cannot rest easy. We could all go up in smoke like that." (snapping her fingers). "But, as Daddy said back in ought two, we want you to go about your daily affairs, spend a lot of money to kick start the economy, and have a good time. Go shopping at FAO Schwartz or something."
Upon hearing that statement, Senator Monica Lewinsky (D-Guam) said that the American people should go to K-Mart and buy her book, "Sleeping Your Way to the Bottom" as told to "Saturday Evening Post" reporter Tanya Harding.
Economics and the Market: The leading economic indicators and the Fortune 11 seemed to be pointed in the right direction, north, northeast I think.
Mergers and acquisitions abounded in the past decade. AT&T bought back SBC and NYNEX in 2018. Now, the Congress has decided to re-re-re-regulate phone companies and is making AT&T divest itself of the "Teen Bells." It seems quite possible that this will be sicklical (sic), and in 2030 may have to be done all over again. In fact, now that all acquisitions are done through eBay, it is probable.
Can you hear me now? In a related matter, Nokia announced that it will have brought out a cell phone that does nothing but allow the user to talk to and receive calls from others. The camera-phone-pc-fax-food processor has been dropped from the line because, as it turns out, most users over the age of 12 just wanted a phone to phone. Nokia's stock rose 1¢ (U.S.).
Comcast, which bought Broadband which bought Warner Cable which bought Viacable which bought somebody else in the early part of the century, has been told to cut the basic cable back to $800 a month, up from $42.50. A spokesperson for the company said, "Uh, uh." Expect a prolonged hearing with the ultimate outcome to be made into a TV movie on either Fox or Fox's affiliate, HBO, Encore, or Starz.
Cisco Systems bought Kidtronics and will now be known as Cisco Kid Systems, and have set up their new heaquarters at Leo Carillio State Beach, the humor of which is lost on anyone under 60.
L. Ron Hubbard's Church of Scientology was sold to Mother's Cookies. Renamed The Church of Mother Hubbard, it is the first non-profit company rolling in dough. (Barf buckets are provided as you leave this article.)
Law TV and the Surgery Channel , the legal and medical media juggernauts, are the basis for some strengths in the market. Law TV is owned by the Trial Lawyers Association while Surgery is owned by the an arm of the AMA. While there have been many attempts to reduce the typical award to under a billion dollars, the TLA said, "Uh, uh. No sense crying over spilt coffee."
Surgery TV captured the one ironic medical moment of 2019. President Bush's father, President Bush, was admitted to emergency at Stem Cell Research Hospital at Kennebunkport and was saved by applying an umbilical cord as a tourniquet around his foot which had become badly infected by a fishing lure (wound in the image of Dick Cheney which we understand is very good for large mouth bass). This episode garnered Surgery a 10 share and boosted its revenues sufficiently to take the market over 7,000 again. That, at least, was the opinion of CNBMSNBCNBC pundits who have attributed the market's ups and downs to everything from Gulf War IX to the price of gas at Denny's.
Education: On the education front, Dr. Phil Huh proposed that, in the interest of saving time, all children should be given drugs for hyperactivity and ADD at birth. "If we can put them in a stupor at say two weeks, we will never have to deal with activity of any kind again. Since the 1990s we've proved that this can be done, thereby relieving parents and teachers of their responsibilities. And once parents and teachers catch up with adult doses of Prozak and chewable Zombies, everyone can stare out the window with impunity and no fear of being pigeonholed as having any attention to be deficited." Dr. Phil was then taken off to an institution to be rewound and given a new voice which was likened to that of Stewart Smalley on speed.
Music and Film: Justin Timberlake (temporarily, Mrs. Spears) released his first album in 15 years. When asked why it took him so long to come up with this gem, he said that all the good lyrics were used in the last century and he couldn't find more than five notes that "went together" to make up a melody. The album didn't do well, having been downloaded by six more people than bought it at Spire Records. An executive for ASCAP and NAFTA said that the slow sales were more likely due to either the $18 cost or the fact that all 12 cuts had the same three-line lyric sung to two different melodies. Emandem has sued for copyright infringement. In the suit, Timberlake is accused of stealing at least three of the five notes from Emandem (nee, Mandrake the Magician).
Ozzy Osbourne won the f____ing "Lifetime f____g Achievement" f____g award, not for his f____g music, but for siring such f____g progeny as Kelly and that little s___t Jack. The award was presented by Keith Richards, but only Ozzy and Keith know where, when, how, or why. Ozzy was said to be on Cloud Enin.
Television has produced its final "reality" show called "The Donner Party." The last one left standing wins first prize, a lifetime pass to Harrah's buffet in Reno.
Richard Dreyfuss' latest film, "The Post Graduate," was pure gold at the Oscars, while the coveted Mr. Congeniality award went to Russell Crowe. "A Beautiful Mind, the Final Marble," gave Robert Blake his second Best Supporting Actor award. Speaking from San Quentin, Mr. Blake said, "I was beside myself."
Halle Berry won Best Actress for "Live Another Night." Armed with an easel, flip charts, and a projection PDA, she presented a two-hour seminar on diversity. Assisting her were Diana Ross, Judge Judy, Ang Lee, Yun-Fat Chow, a Wooky, Charlie the Tuna, three personnel managers, and a Danny Partridge in a pear tree.
Best Supporting Actress went to Anna Nicole Smith who played Jaba the Hut in a remake of "Star Wars." Ms. Smith was lauded for her 300 pound weight loss in order to fit Jaba's original costume. A little gossip from the set... Being as zaftig as she is, all of Ms. Smith's movements were done by a Muppeteer, who exclaimed, "You want me to put my hand where????"
And for those who could never tell them apart, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino have agreed to switch names.
Human Resources: HR ceased to exist in 2019, at least under that name. Trying to keep current, the Society for Human Resource Management, changed its name to the Association of Personnel Executives. So SHRM became APE, and now the remaining 28 members meet on the bulletin board every fifth Wednesday of last month starting with the letter "R." As the president of the organization, who asked to remain unanimous, said, "We ran out of human resources when there were 175 million unemployed. However, because those who stopped looking for work and those who ran out of benefits are not counted in the statistics, the unemployment rate remained at 5.1 percent, a respectable figure indeed."
Other than unemployment, perhaps the greatest change which affected HR was the complete lack of benefits, thereby negating any need for at least a third of the function. Well, that's not entirely true. The federal government mandated 50 weeks of unpaid leave for all employees who could prove that there was an illness in the family. "Illness" was defined as anything which was less than a disability, but required recuperative time of more than eight minutes. Employees are allowed to donate their time to others less fortunate, i.e., multiple hangnails, hangovers, or hangdog expressions. Further, employees could also bid on the time off. While most had insufficient funds to do such bidding, many could trade their Tahoe and Telluride timeshares for several weeks at a time. Basically, HR became the largest time bartering system since the Industrial Revolution of 1066 and the Battle of Hasterd.
As for Winning Associates, we were bought out on January 2 in a dressing room of Filene's Basement by APE. We have now doubled our staff to two, and I have started perhaps my last book, "When I Am Old, I Will Wear Velcro." I have also started a political action committee for people who vehemently care about nothing. Our motto can be seen on the doors of half the hotel rooms in the world: "Do Not Disturb."
Disclaimer: We hereby retract everything that we have ever said including this sentence.
All Rights Reserved. Copyright 2003. E. A. Winning Associates, Inc.